June 2004 Archives

Evil seems to be an uncontrollable force running amok through a world that does not often recognize its existence. Its power is pervasive and complete, oozing into every facet of every man's life. It breaks down relationships, destroys integrity, and spares no one man or woman. Worse still, its most powerful weapon is deception and its shield is the darkness. Comprehensively it breaks down a person to carnality.

Always I can feel it stir deep inside of me. A suggestion, a thought, a whisper is ever present in my mind. The struggle against its power is never finished; the Gates of Hell perpetually tempt. Is man good? No, I cannot think so as I see the threads of malice woven throughout man's existence. Even God's greatest men succumbed to it completely at various points in their life. Our bondage is ended only in death. The chains of mortality link us directly to our sin.

As Thomas Hard deftly points out, "A resolution to avoid an evil is seldom framed till the evil is so far advanced as to make avoidance impossible." It creeps and sneaks, corrupting the consciences of many, it lures with trite promises, offering only pain and damning death at its end. Most people do not realize how far along they are until it is far to late. Courting sin is similar to a canoe ride off of Niagara Falls, exhilarating in its start, terrifying at its end.

I feel cold.

I got out of work today promptly at 7 AM and proceeded to kill about 45 minutes to wait till it was late enough to head for church. I drove out to Calvary, and then fought valiantly to remain awake for the entirety of the service. After making a stop at Panera for coffee, I headed home with my step dad driving (I met up with them at church). I crawled into bed around 11 completely exhausted around 11, got woken up by my sister at 3:30 PM, and finally woke up at 5:45, feeling a little "out of sorts". It's a feeling that I haven't quite managed to shake all evening.

I spent the night scrubbing the floor with the aid of a 15oo lb piece of equipment, and tonight, I think I get to wax. Oh well, that's a few more skills that I can claim on a résumé, and really, I don't mind the work. I really am looking forward to my day off, though, to get a little sleep and change the transmission fluid on my car.

I am working on getting back into the amateur radio groove after not really being on the bands during my time at school. I recently put my mobile into my new Pontiac, after a considerable amount of effort. Hopefully I can complete my Morse code requirements this summer so I can qualify for my general license as well. I would love to operate a little up in the mountains. Well, off to work again, later.

I attempted to make some "sun tea" earlier today, only to be foiled by the foul weather around here. What was earlier mist gave way into full blown rain as Grad Rapids prepared to be assaulted by yet another week of dismal weather. Not that I mind, really, I had just wanted to give my car that final coat of wax... I work at night and sleep during the day, so it doesn't make all that much of a difference to me.

I am hoping to accomplish some much needed chores around here tomorrow. The room must be cleaned, laundry has to be done, and I have a hunch that my mom has something else up her sleave too. IT is not like there is much to do outdoors anyway. The only other compelling task for tomorrow is looking into sonography, or something similar. It provideds a serious cash flow, without a whole lot of education. More later.

A few images were just too good not to include on the front page here. Starting with an unbelievably good picture of my uncle as he was leaving our house. The picture below is one of Dan, a good friend of mine, and his gift from me. He had just finished eating three sloppy joes. Can you tell?

Hurtling through the cosmos on a bottle rocket of emotions probably doesn't sound appealing, and indeed it isn't. I hover daily between despair and jubilation. Looking at the entire landscape of my future is just about enough to bring me to my knees. I have never been able to handle the uncertainty. I love to have at least the illusion of being in control of my destiny, but in a sense, I have never had that. Life is difficult enough on its own, but I am consumed with the idea of purpose and destiny. Is one destined to complete a task? Can one be driven to a goal not of their making and engrossed with the idea?

To an extent, these and other difficult questions, unanswered, have formed a pillar of my life. The ponderance of these questions occurs at all times, breaking of the dawn, setting of the sun. Even my very competency for life itself I question at times. To say that the University of Alberta lowered my self esteem would be hyperbole in its essence. I believe in a very real sense that in some ways, the U of A managed to do what other failures could not -- namely shatter my confidence in my abilities.

Sure, I, as well as the rest of the world, control their destiny, but to what extent? I believe that whatever happens, happens for a reason, and thus I can't help but think that my demoralization serves a purpose somehow, I just don't understand it. I feel exhausted sometimes, not only in a physical sense, but in my entire being. And inevitably, in all of this, there is a deep sense of shame at what I have allowed to happen to myself.

I am unable to control certain aspects of myself that horrify me. Lack of self discipline has always been my greatest struggle. In all of this, I cannot help but wonder where I fall on the magic line of sanity. The definition of life for me has been my struggle against God, my folks, my world. The rage against an unequal and unjust world. The fight to make a difference in whatever way I can. The drive to better myself at any cost. The will to not become what I despise. The contant run towards a moving target I have set for myself and which I do not understand. I am the berserk fox.