April 2005 Archives

This has been an awful week, and even though I knew it was coming, that didn't help. I have been studying like crazy for this weeks finals, and I can only hope that my grades are decent. I think I got a B+/A- in pharmacology, so in the first grade I am getting back, things look good. I had kind of set a goal for myself of nothing below a 75 for this semester, and I think I am going to hit that goal (hopefully). That is, if the exam tomorrow goes well. It is microbiology, so there are hundreds of little factoids I am supposed to memorize for fill-in-the-blank.

It's amazing how on edge you can be kept with Euro dance or rap/hip-hop and a healthy dose of caffeine. I can't hardly stop shaking. And my fingers continually dance to a rhythm that plays endlessly in my head. The beat for "Switch" by Will Smith has never really left my head, so today during my biochem exam, I was silently answering questions to the melody. Kind of sad... I'll be glad when this thing is all over.

Exams are the devil. Not only that, but I seem to be losing my focus and motivation in the midst of them. In one of the busiest weeks of the year by far, I have lost my concentration, and it may very well be my undoing. I have less than one week to find a job, settle my exams, figure out my taxes, and move out, and I am ashamed to say that I have made only the most rudimentary of preparations. Nonetheless, I think I will manage because I must. There is no motivator like necessity.

The pharmacology and French finals were hard, and I am a little curious how things wound up. I won't know the grades for at least another week yet though, so I am going to see how well I can do on the rest. I am really nervous about the coming ones, because of the sheer volume of memorization required. I'll do my best, and after that, well... "May fortune favor the foolish" Captain James T. Kirk

I am a little nervous about spending my entire summer in Edmonton, but I think I can make this work. We shall see...

Well, that tears it, I am living in Lister for less than two more weeks for the rest of my life. It is kind of an odd feeling, really. I have genuinely enjoyed my time living here, despite thinking I wouldn't. It certainly has its downsides, but in retrospect, they were far outweighed by the good times and friends that I have had. At the end of it all, I am grateful for the times that I have spent here, and I wait with anticipation for the next phase of my life. It only gets harder from this point on.

With regard to the next phase, I have found a place to live for at least part of this summer, but I am still working on employment. It is a struggle, to be sure, but I have found two jobs that I believe are very promising, and so I hope I will get an offer from one of them. It is an odd thought, spending my summer in the West, but one that I can tolerate.

Right now I am studying for pharmacology, struggling to commit to memory all of this autonomic garbage. It is quite a tricky thing to master, and understanding all of the different terms and receptors is proving to be a challenge. But it fascinates me in what it allows me to do with drugs, understanding how to treat symptoms or illnesses, etc.

Here at the 53rd parallel, I am amazingly far away from everyone and everything. For the most part, I appreciate the solitude as I work out where my life is going and how I am going to get to my ultimate goals. It also lends itself a bit to an emotional detachment from what happens elsewhere. I am often aware of some of what goes on elsewhere, but my involvement is necessarily extremely limited. While this can be negative at times, on the whole I have found this to be something that I can live with.

I have genuinely come to enjoy living out in Western Canada. I generally like the area, though I certainly have my complaints about certain things -- like the price of a movie ticket. Many of these problems would be mitigated if I was earning a living wage, however. I can't say where I will end up in the next five years — indeed, I have no idea where I will wind up this summer, but I am confident now that I am up to the task of living whereever I may need to.

My anxiety levels get higher each day that I don't have a job, but hopefully I will have a breakthrough soon. I went to CaPS (Career and Placement Services) at the U,and they had a few tips on how to revise my employment information. I still maintain that there is a crack in the dam somewhere, and I am determined to exploit it as soon as I can find it.

It is amazing to me that weather outside at this time of year is directly proportional to my feelings about studying. This is the absolute worst time of the year for me to lose my focus and resolve, and yet this weekend, I watched my determination crumble beneath me. Amazing. In any case, I have less than one month to go, and I vow to continue running until I have finished. It is the very least that I can do at this late stage in the game.

Friday I went to an alumni party with people from my floor last year. Ryan and Lisa booked a room at the Fantasy Land hotel over in West Edmonton Mall, and I stayed there until 1 in the morning chatting about all kinds of random stuff. That room was a bit small for $260… It was a good night, but it got me off to a bad start on what I had hoped would be a productive weekend. The hour lost this morning did little to help either. In any case, I am hoping there is yet time to salvage my studying attempts before my oral final on Thursday in French.

I am very sad to see the Pope pass away. He was, in my opinion, one of the greatest Popes that this world has seen, and I am not a Catholic. I truly view him as a great man, in both theology (well, minus a few longstanding problems like transubstantiation) and as a person. He did much for this world in forging bonds between the Protestants and Jews alike, as well as underming the Soviet Union's strength in eastern Europe. I look on with anticipation and a spectre of anxiety to see who will be chosen in conclave. This time calls for a strong Pope, and a bad decision here will be difficult to recover from.

In any case, I have a midterm tomorrow. Au revoir.