It seems that I typically leave any period in my life with a profound and deep sense of regret. And it would seem that this is no time of year to break that habit. As I finish with a third year of university, I feel robbed of any sense of accomplishment or gain. Once again, I am left with only a hollow feeling of inadequacy. As I wait for the final grades to come back, I can only think about how I wish it were all different. Wish that perhaps somehow I could have seen the light and changed a bit. All I can do is watch the sands of time slip through my fingers...
For those that have seen the Weatherman
, I feel like Dave Spritz at times.He has a quote in the movie that's comes across as incredibly bleak, but apropos:
I remember once imagining what my life would be like, what I'd be like. I pictured having all these qualities, strong positive qualities that people could pick up on from across the room. But as time passed, few ever became any qualities that I actually had. And all the possibilities I faced and the sorts of people I could be, all of them got reduced every year to fewer and fewer. Until finally they got reduced to one, to who I am.
And for those that have seen the movie, that's not an amazingly positive statement either.
It's late at night, a time I typically ponder mortality and my role in this world. In the end, I yearn to be able to say as Paul did in 2 Timothy 4:7
I have fought the good fight. I have finished the race. I have kept the faith.
But it seems like I never finish a heat.